TIME

August 2. The day is quickly approaching. A day that always seemed so far off, but somehow is almost here. In a little over a week Willie has his second open heart surgery.

Since I last wrote, so much has happened! Willie is smiling constantly, talking, following people and things with his eyes, reaching for toys, rolling onto his side, and stealing our hearts over and over again. He is getting more fun everyday. Michael and I joke about how every parent thinks they have the cutest kid, but we're serious and confident when we say Willie is THE cutest. He is happy 99% of the time and is always content. Spending every second of every day with him has been such a blessing for me. I truly feel he is my life's purpose.

Health

From a health standpoint, Willie has been doing pretty well, but there have been a couple bumps in the road. In late April he came down with a nasty infection that landed him in the hospital twice. What was a scheduled pediatrician visit, turned into us riding in an ambulance from Tulsa to Okc! Willie loves a good adventure. His respiratory rate and heart rate were so elevated that the doctors in Tulsa didn't want to take any chances, therefore he rode by ambulance to Okc to play it safe. He spent one week at Children's recovering and then on my first Mother's Day he was readmitted. Once back at home it took him several weeks to fully recover, but he is much better now.

We visited Saint Louis in May for his clubbed foot, and it turns out he doesn’t have clubbed foot! We are thankful for second opinions and good news. The reason his foot is turned inward is because of positioning when he was inside of my tummy. The doctor said to not worry now, that it will work itself out when Willie begins walking in the future. Michael and I were so happy to hear that Willie finally didn't have something.

He is still fed all meals through his feeding tube. He has feeding therapy and physical therapy regularly. When we first began feeding therapy, Will would not allow anything to enter his mouth. If a bottle nipple or spoon slipped past him and inside his mouth, he'd instantly begin gagging. Now after many weeks of positive and non-forceful approaches, Willie will let a spoon rest inside his mouth. It is an empty spoon for now, but we hope in the coming months to add cereal and baby food. I am so proud of him and his progress.

During physical therapy Will does many exercises practicing neck control and strengthening his muscles. He has been diagnosed with something called Torticollis. Basically what it means is that the muscles on the left side of his neck are very tight causing him to favor positioning his head to the right. Over time, Willie's head has become misshapen and very flat on his right side from constantly laying that way. In order for this to not cause permanant damage, he will more than likely do helmet therapy to reshape his head. After heart surgery, this will be our main focus.

Life

From a personal standpoint, we also MOVED! We are in our new home back where both Michael and I grew up. It is so nice to be only minutes away from all of Willie’s doctors and our families. Thank you Jesus. We had prayed for an opportunity to move and God provided it for us. Although it was a crazy month of packing, house hunting, and moving all before Willie's surgery, we are happy to be in our new home. This is the house Willie will physically, mentally, and spiritually grow up in. All three of us will. We are excited to get started.

Here we are on our new front porch!

Me

As much as you prepare for motherhood, I don't think you are ever truly ready. Every aspect of your life changes and you are no longer the center of your world- the baby is. Being a mom requires selflessness, even in times when I don't want to be. It is hard. It is exhausting. It is a lot of give. It is all your time.

Motherhood also brings many struggles. I have struggled greatly with not comparing Willie to other babies his age. I've struggled with balancing my marriage, chores around the house, my social life, and Willie. I've struggled with my new post baby body and confidence. I've struggled with not feeling guilty when I am away from him. I've struggled with all the things I believe new moms struggle with at some point, in some form. But, time has showed me my struggles are not worth the stress. Time is proving to me that Willie can not be compared to anyone because he is one of a kind. With time I am finding better balance in my relationships, home-life, and caring for Willie. Time is slowly allowing me to shed pounds while gaining confidence and appreciation in my body for carrying a human. Time has taught me the importance of self health and having moments away from Willie. Most of all, time has allowed me to recognize that amidst the chaos and hiccups throughout the day, I always find joy, purpose, love, gratitude, thankfulness, and glory in the highest, because I get to be a mother.

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

Luke 2:14

Message

When I was pregnant so many moms would tell me how fast the time goes. You blink, and your baby has moved from one stage to the next. Well, I’ve blinked and somehow Willie is SIX months old. As I said, he does get more fun as time goes on, but man is he sweet every single day. The joy that fills his face when he sees mine is something I will never tire of. How could I? Look at the way he looks at us.

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been struggling with the realness that Willie’s surgery is next week. Thinking about seeing him in that state again, so vulnerable and helpless is really getting to me. This time around Willie is undeniably stronger and bigger than he was for his first open heart surgery at two weeks old. This time the operation is a lot more common for the doctors performing it than his last one. There are upsides this time around, but there is also the memories engraved in my mind from last time that I cannot ignore or forget.

I can't help but think about that perfect "zipper" scar down his chest being reopened. I think about the moment the nurses will come peal him out of my arms to head to the OR. I think about the cold waiting room and small talk that will be said while we wait for hourly updates. I think about seeing him recover, chest open, medically paralyzed. I think about the last time around. How he had a hypertensive crisis and coded blue. How the doctor yelled at us to get out of the room as I sobbed in the hallway thinking we were about to lose him. I think about how much those first few weeks of recovery pained me and I fear how much it truly pained him. I sit here writing this post while looking at him cooing in his swing, heartbroken he doesn't know what he's about to go through... again.

I also think about how I spend every day with this little human. I've learned every sound and whine. I know how to get him to smile. I can tell when he is tired. I know his poop schedule even. He is the center of my world and all of my days. The thought of his little heart being worked on gives me big heartache.

A few weeks ago was Michael's 27th birthday. He asked me not to get him anything because we had just bought our dream home and he's not a big gift guy anyways. I wanted to come up with something meaningful but inexpensive. Back in high school, our sophomore year to be exact, Michael invited me and a few other friends to go to the lake with his family. I can remember many things about the trip like it was last week, not twelve years ago. One of the main things I remember is how many pictures we took on my friend's digital camera. One picture in particular was of just Michael and I on the boat with him driving and me standing closely next to him. We were just two kids in that photo with no idea what God had planned for our future. Seriously, I would have never guessed he'd be my husband. So for his birthday I searched and searched for that photo. Unfortunately, I never found it.

This is one picture I did find from that lake trip. We're 16 and in the friend zone!

But, when I think back on that picture and time in our lives, I think about how we were so young and our worries were so miniscule. (My worries were honestly probably surrounded around having to run at basketball practice on Monday and if my parents would be mad at me for breaking my pink Motorola Razr phone.) Ps- they were. Then I look at pictures of today. Photos of Michael and I with Willie and I wonder if in twelve years from now, we will look at todays pictures and still have that thought- we were so young and our worries weren't worth putting worry in. My guess is yes. Our worries and things we build up so greatly in our mind always pass. I can be quite a worrier and stressor, something I think comes natural for women and moms. I was stressed out last year, last month, last week, like an hour ago about something. As it turns out, each of those stressors did pass by. All things pass. Big and small. Willie's surgery will too. Time heals our hearts.

Willie's life has made me so vulnerable. There are so many things in our lives that no matter how hard we try, how hard we pray, how much we do, that we cannot control. I cannot control the outcome of all the challenges Willie faces. I can only love him through them and put my trust in the Lord. God was with Willie five months ago the first time his heart was repaired, and I know He will be with Willie next week.

If you are struggling with something, big or small, hold on. Time is on our hearts side, we must be patient.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:18