LOVE

On January 22nd at 11:27 PM I experieneced a whole new kind of love. Willie arrived. The overwhelming feeling I have for him is unmatched. He was meant to be mine and I’m so thankful he is.

I could barely sleep the night before. Knowing how much our life was about to change was a surreal feeling. Also knowing that the next few weeks and possibly months were about to be some of our hardest, yet sweetest, gave me all the feels. I was induced that morning around 9:00. Family and close friends filled my labor and delivery room. I had the sweetest nurses and the entire day truly went by quickly. I slowly progressed and Willie finally decided it was time right before midnight.

The moment I laid eyes on him, in Michael’s arms, is a vision I will never forget. We were parents. We were responsible for this little miracle and there was no duty that had ever compared. There will never be.

I got down to the NICU as soon as I could- around 2:30 AM. I held his little hands in mine and praised God for choosing me. His perfect little lips, tiny little toes, soft baby skin, he was everything I had dreamt of and more.

In the two weeks Willie has been alive I’ve cried a lot, slept little, and prayed more than I ever have. Tears of happiness and amazement, but also tears of fear and feeling helpless. With each new tube and needle poke my heart aches at not being able to comfort my baby the way I so badly want to. Every time I get to hold him in my arms I look at him and he lets me know that he is strong. Many people have said that this time is harder on Michael and I than it is on Willie because we will remember this for the rest of our lives and Willie will not. While I agree and am thankful Willie will not remember this, it is true this experience is something that’ll never fade. I struggle with not being bitter because we don’t get those same “typical” new parent moments of taking a first baby home. As I said I have sleepless nights based on fear and worry, not because the baby is crying in the other room. I get jealous every time I enter the hospital doors and see a new mom being pushed out in a wheelchair to the car holding “It’s A Boy” balloons in her hands with dad carrying the baby in his car seat behind her. Willie’s health problems have robbed us of these normal and typical first time parent experiences. It’s caused me to be jealous, resentful at times, but mostly down right sad. While sitting bedside to Willie I daydream of doing everyday things with him. Playing with toys on the floor, fixing him a bottle, giving him a bath. If this experience has taught me one thing, it is to not take the little things for granted. I would give anything to be sleep deprived from late night feedings rather than out of distress.

Tomorrow morning Willie will leave the NICU and head to the operating room. He will have his first open heart surgery. My baby will show off just how strong, bold, and mighty God created him to be. Willie was born with two congenital heart defects. One will be repaired tomorrow, and the other in 4-8 months. He has coarctation of the aorta defect and a complete AV canal defect. Tomorrow the focus will be on repairing the coarctation. It is a narrowing that causes not enough oxygenated blood to get to his body. The surgeon will be widening his aortic arch and also putting a “bandaid” on the hole in the center of his heart (AV canal defect) to buy Willie more time before his next open heart surgery. Following the operation Willie will remain in a medically induced coma and his chest will be left open for swelling to go down. He is so small and fragile that his heart has no room for swelling; therefore, they leave the chest open for a few days before closing it. Please pray for my Willie boy. Pray that his little body will do just what it needs to do to make surgery a success. Pray that he recovers quickly without any complications. Pray that he is comfortable and free of pain. Pray that he knows just how much him mommy loves and adores him. Please pray for the doctors and nurses that will be taking care of my Willie boy. Pray that they have the knowledge and experience they need to complete his surgery successfully. Pray that they handle each moment with love and care. Pray that they get a good nights rest and don’t stay up too late watching the Super Bowl. Pray that they know Willie’s mom means business when she says take extra good care of him. I am also asking for prayers for myself as my heart hurts just typing all of this out. I know I could never be ready to see Willie in the state I will tomorrow no matter how many prayers are said for me. What I do know, is that God has got this. No one on earth loves Willie more than I do. However, the One above puts my love for Willie to shame. I am finding comfort in that.

The past two weeks have been filled with snuggles. I have held Willie any chance I’ve gotten. He loves being swaddled up and sucking on his pacifier. Every day he is becoming more alert and showing us his eyes for longer. He has had MANY friends and family visit. He doesn’t know yet just how popular he is! Michael and I want to thank every single person that has prayed for us, visited us, brought us dinner, sent us a baby gift, sent flowers, texted us, etc. etc. etc. We could never say thank you enough for all the support we have gotten on the journey so far.

As you cheer on the Eagles or Patriots in Super Bowl LII (aka watch Justin Timberlake kill it and laugh at all the commercials) we want you to join in and cheer for our team -

TEAM WILLIE!!!!