HAPPINESS

Happy (almost) Thanksgiving, Everyone! I still can not believe how fast time is moving. It is mind blowing how quick my pregnancy has gone by in some ways. Nine months seems like forever in the beginning and now as I'm getting closer to nine months being up, it feels like it's flown. As much as I am ready to have Will here, I am trying to enjoy these last days of alone time, sleeping through the night (except to get up and pee 23 times), and leaving the house whenever I please.

During the holiday season I am giddy. It is hands down my favorite time of the year. Getting together with family, all the decorations and lights, receiving cards in the mail, even the crowded stores, it all excites me. However, I know that the holidays bring some people darkness. A time that I am extra cheerful, others are in pain for various reasons. I am so thankful for the family that I get to spend the holidays with because I know there are people who do not have anyone to share the magic with. I am thankful to have the means to go to the mall and shop to gift others and in return be gifted. Most of all, I'm especially thankful for the birth of Jesus. Without the presents, icicle lights, late night wrapping, Santa Claus, holiday parties, even time with my family, Christmas should bring all of us happiness. Our Savior was born.

This is another honest post that I hope helps someone. Maybe even someone who does view the holidays as a depressing time. I have been going to therapy since the second week after finding out about Will's prenatal diagnosis. Therapy is not something I have ever turned my nose up to. I know there are some people who would never consider it. To be honest, after going twice a month for the past four months, I look forward to the days I have an appointment. Through therapy I have been able to come to terms with what I was truly struggling with throughout the grief process. It seems strange to think that someone can be in so much pain, but not be able to identify what is at the core of the heartache. I know firsthand that this can be true because it's what I was experiencing. I was facing the greatest loss and sadness I had ever felt, but I was not able to pinpoint the things that were crippling me all on my own. My therapist has helped me establish what those things are and helps talk me through them.

I know there are people out there who don't deal well with facing their feelings and emotions. They bottle them up and ignore them. Eventually they will explode. The card house will fall. Sometimes we have feelings we don't even know are there until we burst. So why is there a negative stigma towards professional counseling? It is expensive, a time commitment, and you have to be vulnerable. These are three things most of us do not enjoy giving up- our money, time, and shield. I challenge anyone dealing with something big or small to find someone, a licensed therapist, a church leader, a friend, to talk to. Opening up to someone isn't always you asking for guidance or advice from that person. Usually the answers come from within.

I did not jump up the morning after Will's medical news and decide therapy was what I needed to make myself snap out of the walking coma I felt I was traveling in. Michael pushed and encouraged me to go. Without his support, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind as an idea. Do you need the same encouragement or know someone who is about to fall off their tight rope? Encourage!

Michael and I both attended my first session. I think I may have said a total of 20 words in the hour timespan. I wasn't being cold or unwilling to participate. I had that feeling like there is a rock in your throat and if you try to talk, the ugly cry comes out. I had tears streaming out of my eyes without even blinking. I whimpered and had trouble breathing. I used half a box of kleenex. I will not sugarcoat it. It was uncomfortable. She would ask me questions and then stare at me to respond. I honestly think we may have accomplished more at our first meeting if I had wrote out my answers on a notepad; I was that distraught. Little did I know, that breakdown is exactly what I needed.

Now when I go, we catch up on what has been going on since the last time I saw her. It's like we are old girlfriends. She is around my mom's age, but it doesn't feel like there is a gap between us at all. We laugh, talk serious, still cry over sad but now also happy moments. She makes me face things I don't want to talk about or think about. Every time I leave her office, I am thankful I went. She has helped me find my happiness again.

Last week at the doctor's office I was diagnosed with Polyhydramnios ("Poly") which is where there is excess amniotic fluid in my belly. This condition occurs in about 1% of pregnancies. The most likely side effect from it is pre-term labor. Will's kidneys are also still dilated, which the doctors believe could be a reason as to why I have the extra amniotic fluid (he isn't taking in as much as typical). Will's right foot is also clubbed and he will likely need casts/braces to correct the positioning. These are all health concerns we have had to take in on top of the serious heart defects and Trisomy 21.

We are asking for prayers as we have big appointments after the Thanksgiving holiday. We revisit the pediatric cardiologist to see if anything has changed with Will's heart conditions. We visit the urologist for him to check on Will's kidneys and the dilation. At my last appointment they encouraged me to have my hospital bag ready at all my future appointments in case they need to admit me with my increased risk of pre-term labor. WHAT!! We are praying that Willie continues to sit tight and grow as long as possible, but whenever God decides it is time, we are ready.

Below are some photos from our first baby shower a couple of weekends ago. I felt so spoiled and happy for Willie. There are so many people who care about him. It truly is like a life vest on my heart all the love being poured on him.

My next post I will hopefully have lots of medical updates on Will's health conditions and the timeline of when the doctors think he will finally be here. Until then, share some happiness. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18