FEAR

How is it already NOVEMBER?! I cannot believe how soon Will will be here in my arms! His due date is February 8th but the doctors are thinking it could be mid January. Michael and I may be wishing he comes on January 16th, our second anniversary. Whenever he does decide to make his entrance into our world, we will be there praying and worshiping over him. He is around the two pound mark currently and on the ultrasound he can usually be found wiggling around like crazy and sucking his thumb. I can not wait to see him in person.

The nursery is really starting to come along. I keep holding back on ordering everything I want for Willie. The temptation is there, guys! One reason is because baby stuff is expensive, and the second is that I have showers coming up, which I am so excited for!! I have had several people ask, and if you wish to creep, we are registered at Amazon, Babylist.com, and Target.

Over the weekend I volunteered at the Halloween Dance in Oklahoma City for individuals with Down Syndrome. I couldn't help but laugh when I pulled up to the gated parking lot, rolling my window down, a teenage boy said, "You here for the down syndrome party?" As I laughed, said I was, and parked, I couldn't help but think, this is my new life. Here for the party and not going anywhere. Can I just say how cute all of the teenagers/young adults were in their costumes? They were all having such a great time dancing, eating cupcakes, and never meeting a stranger. It was truly reassuring and boosted my moral. Although the title of this post is Fear, and Halloween is all about spooky and scary things, while I was watching those kids laugh and do the electric slide, I had zero fears for Will.

When is the last time you truly feared? Fear is something I thought I had faced before. Fear because I heard a strange noise in the middle of the night. Fear because I cared too much about what someone would think of a choice I had made or a statement I had said. Fear of not passing a test. But the thing all of these fears have in common is time.

Before learning about Will's conditions, I had never feared something that did not have an expiration date. Parenthood in general is continuous fear without a deadline, but especially in our case. Time keeps ticking, days keep passing, and the fears for Will's health and future do not fade.

It feels like every day I learn of a new condition that is common in Down Syndrome. Alzheimer's disease has a higher risk of developing at an early age for DS. Autism occurs more frequently. Gastrointestinal issues. Heart defects. Vision problems. Mental health concerns. Hearing loss. ADHD. Increased risk of childhood leukemia. Thyroid disorders. All of these, some of these, none of these could be in Will's cards.

My doctors do their very best to section out their concerns and my appointments with specialists. They chunk the information and their worries in a certain order to try and not overwhelm us. I appreciate this, but the planner inside of me tends to want to know everything at once. I am learning through this process that there is such a thing as knowing too much. Over time the list of doctors caring for Will and I grows. Over time we learn more about what we could face once he is here. Over time the information is easier to process, accept, and plan for. But had they told us all their concerns at once, I think I'd still be hiding under a rock in fear.

Being a parent to any child is a lifetime commitment. I am not downplaying that. We signed up for it. I have had a few people make comments about how Will will forever be my "little buddy" my "little shadow" who will tag along with me for the rest of time. The thought of that intimidates me and is almost incomprehensible. Yes, being a parent is a lifetime commitment, but I think every parent looks forward to the milestones of their child getting older and becoming more independent. Like when mom and dad get a date night because their son/daughter is staying the night at a friends. Or when their kid starts to drive and they get out of carpooling them around to multiple activities. What about when their son or daughter finally leave the nest and it goes back to what started it all: just the husband and wife. These things are bittersweet in the moment for a mom and dad, but in the end it is refreshing to know that there are "phases" of life with your child that you will get through. The terrible twos. The hormonal teen years. So, when I think about Will living with us for the rest of our lives, I get overwhelmed and intimidated. Fear in the time clock never expiring.

I want to be clear that I will never limit Will to low expectations. It is my hope and prayer that he gets to stay the night at friends houses. That he can one day get a drivers license. That he will one day get to live on his own. Go to college. Get married. Even with a diagnosis, my dreams for him have not changed.

I do however try to be a very practical person. I don't like to set my expectations too high in fear of them not being met. So I am practical in the sense that Will could very well live with us and be my "little sidekick" for the duration of my life or his own. But, it is still hard to wrap my mind around the idea of him missing out on opportunities for things he cannot control.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1

As I've been writing this post I've really been thinking about all of the unknowns and the things Will, Michael, and I could face. My mind keeps taking me to the smiling faces in the photos below. Do you see fear in their eyes? Although parent life for us will look a little different than for most, and the chances that Will might not travel through the same phases as his peers, I know his reckless love and joyous heart will take all my fears away. If just the memory of the faces I spent a Saturday evening with can alter my outlook, I can't imagine what my son's soul will brand on my heart.

On another note, I know that some people feel uncomfortable and do not know what to say when they run into us. It's a balanced scale they do not want to tip. Do I talk to Jenn and Michael about the baby? Do I not bring it up at all? I completely understand the desire that people want us to know they care and are thinking about us, but do not want to seem nosey. To be honest, there are days that I am offended if someone doesn't ask about Will like he doesn't exist. Then there are other days I just don't want to talk about it (these are becoming fewer and fewer). But, the best piece of advice I can give to everyone is to first think before you speak, and then when you have a question go straight to the source, us. What anyone else tells you is just hearsay. If you have a wondering, I'd like to know that I responded to it rather than you going to someone else to ask. I believe this speaks for most situations, not just ours. I know most everyone comes from a place of love and tender care, but in an extreme time of fragility, we want to be the writer and source of our story.

In conclusion, each day is getting better. I'm feeling stronger and more confident that we can do this. We are rolling into my favorite time of year! To me November means Christmas music is acceptable. Gift shopping, my growing tummy, baby showers, family time, twinkle lights, all have me looking up for the next couple of months. Once Christmas has come and gone too soon, like it always does, we will have another God sent gift in our hands. William Michael Klaus.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28