SHOCK

The word shock has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I think the word will continue to evolve as we travel on our journey. Shock will come when we get news we aren't expecting. Shock will come when Will beats an expectation his doctors, Michael, and I have for him. Shock will come when I hold him in my arms for the first time and see him as a baby, no longer a diagnosis. We will be shocked in both negative and positive ways.

I had not experienced true heartbreaking shock, the kind that defeats you, makes you question God, makes you cry more than you have in your entire life, until I got the call on August 7th.

To rewind back to where I left off in my first post- our 13 week appointment. Our doctor saw a "soft marker" for a chromosomal abnormality. He reassured us that it was more than likely nothing to worry about, but if we wished to do more testing we could learn if anything was going on. Lots of "normal" babies have soft markers that end up being nothing. The chance of having a child with down syndrome for my age and health was 1 in 1,400. Michael and I chose to go forward with the testing and our doctor said he'd have the results in 7-10 days.

When we left that appointment we were of course nervous and slightly worried, but we clung to the fact that the chances were so slim. I clung to the idea that I couldn't possibly have a baby with a chromosome disorder. I hadn't done anything to deserve that. After all, it had taken us months to get pregnant, we had waited patiently for our time, it was our first baby, so God wouldn't do that to us. How foolish and ungrateful I was.

On August 7th around 2:00 PM on a typical Monday, I got the call from our doctor. This is where that JOY I last spoke of, was ripped away. I was standing in my work office hallway. After I said "hello" my doctor got straight to the point. There was no buttering up the conversation that had to be had. "Jennifer, I got the test results and it is in fact positive for trisomy 21, down syndrome." I collapsed to the floor, weeping.

The next few minutes, really days, are such a blur. He told me to tell Michael, our families, and write down every single question we had and to come to his office the next day. Selfishly, the only question that replayed in my head was- why me?

I left work hysterical, unsafely got behind the wheel and somehow drove home where Michael was waiting knowing something was wrong. Sharing the news with him is still something I think about often. Something that I will never forget. Did I handle it the best way I could even though I was in shock? My dreams of our "perfect baby" had just been crushed by my doctor. But living with the fact that I am the one who had to crush that dream for Michael is so hard.

As I write this and think back on that day, it seems so long ago. The days have been long, mostly hard, and up and down. Every single person thinks their child is going to be perfect, not perfect in their own way. Will is perfect. I have to remind myself of that every single day. It is easy to fall into the slump of depression and asking why me. Trust me, I still go there often. I probably will continue to as we face new challenges as Will grows and gets older.

Grief is something every single person will face in their life. I will face it again. The point is behind what you learn from the grief, heartache, pain, unfairness, and tears. Instead of asking God why me, why us, we quickly realized how lucky we are that he chose us. A one in fourteen hundred chance. We've hit the jackpot.

We took the photo above in our backyard just three days after our lives changed for the better (hence my swollen eyes). Using an iPhone camera on a timer propped up on a ladder we got this wonderful shot!

While on the phone with my doctor that day, at the very end of our conversation, he did leave me with some joyful news- we were having a baby boy. Whether or not Will will have dark hair like me or Michael's blue eyes, whether he will play the piano or be a star in the special olympics, whether he will ever have a job or date, are all things we will only learn with time. While waiting to see how the future plays out- Something tells me I'm going to love him forever.

Jeremiah 1:5- "I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart ..."